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Runner with Fervor

Be a Runner with Fervor

You’ve been to the games and you’ve seen the parents with the full matching tracksuit, veeboknikesics sneakers and the horrendous fluro fifo vest with the word ‘Runner’ on it.

You scoffed, watching the poor victims having to run like halflings across the field to pass on instructions from the coach.

Yes and how you chortled ‘sucker, that job blows as much as the guy running back and forth…’

This Saturday morning you felt a welcome relief that as a junior footy parent, today you had zero helper duties at the game. The magic of the early morning colours in the sky make the freeway journey, a tranquil and peaceful drive.

Yes, good on you, who has already contributed with zeal during training and has masterfully so far, only got lost three times on the way to the game.

Good on you, you’re feeling better and better as the caffeine flows through your system. Even the kids in the car are aware of your Zen like calmness as you wave cheerfully to the other parents upon arrival at the ground.

‘Come on kids, its game time!’   As you bounce out of the car you check a recent message sent from your wife

*Dont forget honey you’re the runner today xx*

Whhhaaaattt thhhe ffff…………………………!!


  • Embrace the green maggot

  • Your morning went from deep, still, running waters to Sharknado 8 in seconds.

    You put on the vest and there is definite smell of alcohol already on it? Who the hell wore this last time? Barnsey after a Chisel reunion tour? It reeks big time, and now you have it on! Judging by the looks on their faces, all the parents got a good whiff of ‘runner boy’ and quickly assume you’ve been ripping it up all night..


    • Knees high with knee highs

    Some may scoff at the tried and true method of runners raising their knees so high that swami srivinandra would be proud of their flexibility. But there is a strategic purpose to this much maligned action. Yes, it is to stretch out the obscenely tight crutch grabbing, butt eating shorts that need to be worn by runners everywhere. Without the high knee action, your shorts would disappear quarter by quarter until by the end of the game you will need an enema to extract them. If you have to wear Bermuda butt shorts then compliment them with fluro socks – knee high fluro socks.


    So, like a leaping Red Kangaroo showing off his strength and taunting his challengers, lift those knees and let your chin feel the heat!


    • Be the postman – deliver the message

    Sure it sounds easy enough but being a Runner with Fervor is no walk in the park. You are standing next to the coach, with your knees keeping your chin warm, ears at the ready, like a sponge set to absorb.


    The coach calls you over. First thing he says..


    “Shit Billy have you been on the pi55? You stink!”


     Too late to answer, the game has already started..


    The coach is fired up ‘Tell those boys in the centre to make a wall’


    You’re off, bounding onto the ground like Husain Bolt on ‘roids, you’ve gone 1.5 metres in 8 seconds when the coach calls you back. ‘I wasn’t finished!’ and says ‘Also, tell Johnny B not to get sucked into the contest and get Paul to swap with Adrian. Now go!’


    So you run out to deliver the pivotal, game changing message that will shift momentum and alter the entire outcome of the game! You yell out with the authority of an overweight, puffed out, 50 year old “Johnny B – swap with Paul, Adrian make a wall. You boys in the centre, get into the contest, go on get in there!”.


    You stagger back to the coach, reaching behind to extract whats left of your shorts, feeling well chuffed that you passed on his strategic message.

    “Billy, the kids are not listening! What did you tell them?! The games gone to sh*t after you went out there! Go back out and this time don’t stuff it up – tell them, blah, blah, blah…………………..Blah , blah”

    Your mind wanders, at this point you are sucking in air like Elvis inhaling deep fried mars bars on the toilet.

    Still the coach goes on  “Jimmy should….Blah ……blah….blah. Oh and you really stink mate, have you got some deodorant somewhere?”

    A sign that you are getting old and have the early stages of dementia is when you get to the middle of the pack of kids and forget who the message is for.


    No problem.


    Grab the nearest kid, you look him in the eyes and say:
    ‘Jimmy, the coach said are playing like a young Patrick Dangerfield’ ruff up his hair – ‘great work son!’



    • Linger not

    As a runner it’s important to not be seen to be enjoying the game – at any time. A Runner with Fervor has a critical role, he/she is the cog in the magnificent well oiled machine that is Junior footy game day so don’t be a spanner. For example running alongside the kids when they have the ball, cheering them on or accidentally laying a block at a stoppage is not on – get on and get off..

    These tips have been tried, tested and extracted from Runners with Fervor across this great land so use them wisely and if you cock it all up – remember don’t shoot the messenger!

    Off the fence..

    Billy P

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